Watching Elizabeth Hurley in this movie really makes me want to gouge out my own eyes with a rusty safety pin. And that's being pretty kind to myself. The reason for this (attempted) self-mutilation is because her body is so perfect, so firm, so unbelievably gorgeous that just watching her ruins you for "real" women. Here's a test. Watch this movie in bed with your girlfriend (this is of course after sex). The many James Bond references will soon put her to sleep. Now stare at the scenes with Hurley...hit pause. See how perfect her body looks? See those gorgeous curves. The pouty lips. Those firm perfectly placed B cup breasts. There's not an ounce of fat on that woman. Now look at the thing lying next to you. Her misshapen, flat chest. That zit on her back. Look down a bit. Notice that colossal lump of cellulite she calls an ass hidden under the sheets. The cottage cheese thighs. Now this is all only when she's 23 without kids. Do you really think this is going to get better down the line? Do you really think you can do better?

Depressing isn't it.

You're a good guy. Not a player. Respectful to women. Now what do you have to show for it. A beat up old car. Student loans with 19.5% interest you'll be paying for the rest of your life. A bright future working for some ball busting prick for the next 30 years (if you're lucky). Snot nosed kids, a bald spot...you get the idea. You don't fucking get Elizabeth Hurley do you? Hugh Grant gets Elizabeth Hurley. Sure he's a no talent little fop whose agent happened to pick the right fucking scripts at the right fucking time. He gets Elizabeth Hurley. Sure he rubs that fact in our face by getting caught receiving blowjobs from some 20 dollar an hour crack whore. He gets Elizabeth Hurley. Sure she forgives his ass. You think the person lying next to you would forgive your ass? Hell no. If she's your girlfriend, you get off easily with a few light kicks to the na-nutz and maybe a visit from her ex-con brother and his drinking buddies. If she's your wife you get fucked in the ass by her lawyer and you're forced to live in a shack for the next 15 years while you pay her alimony. And you still don't get Elizabeth Hurley. *sigh*

Don't kill yourself just yet. There's a movie to be reviewed.

Summary: Austin Powers, intl. man of mystery is revived in 1997 (from 1967) to take on his nemesis Dr. Evil (both Wayne Campbell...um Mike Meyers). Since they're both from the 60's naturally it's laughs galore as they try to familiarize themselves with the 90's with predictable results. The one who shall not be mentioned (Hurley) is officially Austin's piece of ass who is along to assist. Look you've seen it, you know what its about...moving on.

Upon first viewing the movie is funny. Actually on second viewing the movie is still funny. That is when I first saw it in '97 when everyone said it sucked. This was for about a week or two. Then the unrelenting specials, and promotions started and everyone and their little sister went and next thing you know it's the funniest thing since Waynes World. The many James Bond and 60's spy show references i'm sure were perfectly understood by many 14 year old girls. Yeah right. This is why it sucks people. We didn't have this little nugget for long did we? It went mainstream real fucking quick. Fucking MTV.

Actually, on second thought, it's still pretty damn cool, even if the sequal does suck diseased dick. I take back all the shit i've said. It's my fucking site, I can change my mind if I fucking want to...what up?

Notes: Mike Meyers better thank his fucking lucky stars that this movie didn't stay at its cult status. Because he sure as fuck wouldn't have a sequel (or a career) if it did. Actually he wouldn't have much of anything. Remember Waynes World 2? Very funny, but bombed. After that Meyers and Dana Carvey (Garth) disappeared for a few years. Meyers got lucky. How do I know? Have you seen Dana Carvey recently? I rest my case.

Bottom Line: Kiss the ass of your fans Mike. Without us you'd be doing guest spots on Caroline in the City right about now. You better recognize.

Little "by the way..."
Hugh Grant? That's your ass. Yeah, you know what i'm talking about muthafuka!!