It's only three hours. I can do three hours. Besides, this is the best movie of 1997. Some say ever. The critics loved it. When have they been wrong I ask myself. If you've read other parts of this site, then you know that, metaphorically speaking, this is my Lex Luthor. My nemesis. So instead of doing a traditional movie review in which I start with a little unrelated spiel, a plot summary, sexual rantings and a bottom line I've just typed random stuff while watching this movie on notepad and just posted it, unedited. As a result it makes no sense whatsoever.

Survival Kit Inventory:
2 liter bottle Wild Cherry Pepsi
2 tabs NyQuill Maximum Strength
2 tabs Tylanol for Arthrits
1 tab Tranquilzer for Fish
1 Bag Cool Ranch Doritios
1 Gameboy Pocket w/Metroid II
1 Remote Control
1 TV Guide w/Lucy Lawless Pictures
The Clapper
1 Chia Pet

It has begun! dun dun dun da dun dun da da da...Mortal Kombat!!!
Excellent!!
Kano,
Lu Kain,
Raydin,
Johnny Cage,
Scorpion,
Sub Zero,
Sonya,
Mortal Kombat!!

(credits)
Celien Dion Must Die.
Leo Dicaprio Must Die.
Billy Zane Must Die.
Bill Paxton Must Die.
Gloria Stuart Must Die...oh sorry...that might actually come true

James? You're my bitch now.

he doesn't like you
I'm sorry
I don't like you either, you just watch yourself we're wanted men, I have the death sentence in twelve sectors
I'll be careful
you'll be dead!

Bill Paxton?! Isn't he dead?

(first 30 minutes...nothing happens) So, let me get this straight, a multi-million dollar exposition and all we're looking for is a fucking diamond that was never there in the first place?!?

apology accepted captain needa

The fat guy with the beard and the wise cracks kicks ass.

I have you now...wa..?
yaaahooo! you're all clear kid, now let's blow this thing and go home

I'm going down to south park gonna have myself a time
friendly faces everywhere, humble folks without temptation
I'm going down to south park, gonna leave my woes behind
ample parking day or night, people shouting howdy neighbor
I'm headin down to south park gonna see if I can unwind
mmmmhp mmmmm mhmmm mummmm ummmm mmmmmhmm
so come on down to south park and meet some friends of mine
hut!

(I have to entertain myself someway)

(finally in 1912)
David Warner? The fuck?!? I guess Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The secret of the ooze wasn't enough for this guy, he really wants to be on my fuck list. I used to respect the man, but no more! You just made the list David.

Go ninja, go ninja go!

I will offer a substantial reward for whoever captures the millennium falcon, but I want them alive, no disintegrations
yes sir

You know I really like that Kate Winsett. She's hot, for a limey chick. So she's a little chunky now, I'd still do her.

Help me take this mask off...
but you'll die.
Nothing...can stop that now. I want to look on you with my own eyes...

(something about going on Titanic to America)
wait, where the fuck are we? We have Italians, Swedes, limeys, nondescript Asians, Scottish, some Austrian motherfucker...what the fuck is going on?

Luke, you do not yet realize the power of the darkside, you can destroy the emperor he has foreseen it.
I'll never join you
Obi wan never told you what happened to your father
He told me enough, he told me you killed him
No...I am your father
...No, that's not true...that's impossible
Search your feelings you know it to be true
Noooo!! Nooo...
Join me, it is your destiny

(first scene of Dicrybaby trying to hussle a bunch of Swedish badasses) You know watching Leo trying to play a badass is really quite a painful thing. You know, when you have the same frame as a 9 year old girl and you're like 5'4...yeah I don't care how tough you act, you're not impressing anyone. Well then again, they are Swedish...pussy capital of the world, didn't the French kick their asses? So Dicrybaby might be able to get away with it.

CGI dolphins...

(I'm the king of the world!)
...I can't take this shit much longer

(uh...Kathy Bates...)
I remember a time when I respected Kathy Bates as an actress (i.e. Misery wherein she was a normal woman without all the Hollywood sugarcoating (i.e. a psychobitch)) but this and The Waterboy...no more. She's just an unattractive bitch with a loud mouth. We get it, you're a tough chick. In the words of Harvey Keitel "You might get some bitch talk shit to ya. Give her a look like you're going to smash her in the mouth and say 'why don't you shut the fuck up?'"

o.d'ing on the cg graphics here...

You weak minded fool, he's using the old jedi mind trick.
You will bring captain solo and the wookie to me
Ho Ho Ho Ho Ho! Your powers will not work on me boy!

(Rose is about to jump in the ocean)
Wow, a budget of over 100 million dollars, three years in the making and they can't even clean up the blue screen effects.

(the "hero" mumbles something about saving the girl from drowning)
oh come on, he couldn't save a hamster, much less a 110 pound woman...ok 140 (Kate's kinda chunky...but in a good way).

Billy Zane's an asshole...I like him.

you may dispense with the pleasantries commander, I'm here to put you back on schedule...(something)
he asks the impossible, I need more men
then perhaps you can tell him that yourself when he arrives
the emperor is coming here?
that is correct and he is most displeased with your lack of effort
we shall double our efforts
I hope so commander for your sake, the emperor is not as forgiving as I am...

Being hopped up on Two tabs of NyQuill Maximum Strength, I blacked out around this point... At one point my roommate comes in and looks at the screen and says "piss on this shitty ass bitch" in spanish (or something) and then leaves. He has been good to me. If I get though this, I'll kill him last.

(Kate Winsett is very naked and then...a quick camera cut to old rose's roadmap like face)
Ahhhh!!! What the fuck?!?! I was just starting to enjoy the movie and then Cameron pulls this shit. What the hell was that all about? Is it a crime to be aroused by Kate Winsett, because that's what you're telling me. Don't fucking do that again...

Prince Nassem Hamid is pretty fucked up.

Pamela Anderson's VIP? The most obvious "stroke" show ever created (and yes that includes Baywatch). Porn for people without vcr's or cable. I mean they don't even have plots, just Pam and a bunch of hot chicks bouncing around in skimpy clothing. Considered required viewing in order to be a real man.

Other hot chicks...
the obvious
Hallie Berry
Vivica Fox
Sandra Bullock
Jenna Elfman
Helen Hunt
Gillian Anderson
Lucy Lawless
Jeri Ryan
Ming Na Wen
Joan Chen
Kristi Yamaguchi
the not so obvious
Janeane Garofalo
the scary
Bugs Bunny (when he dressed as a girl bunny)

pimps up, ho's down. Required documentary.

Oz. That's the name on the street for the oswald maximum security penitentiary. Oz. Oz is Retro. Oz is Retribution. Oz is hard cons, doing hard time.

***at this point I black out***

***I awake to see, much to my pleasure, that I've missed 2/3 of the movie***

(when the ship starts playing pinball with the passengers)
The Pinball scene kicks major ass. Tilt!

(old rose throws diamond in ocean)
excellent captain dipshit...that diamond was the life work of hundreds of people...fuckin rich people...

(old rose dies, becomes Kate Winsett again and joins pussyboy in the afterlife)
Die bitch, die!

Wipe them out. All of them.
Nooooo!!!

Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering...
Dun da da da dunn dun da dun da dunnn dun da da dunn da dunn da da dunn
dun da dun da dun dun...dun!!
Star Wars
Episode I
the phantom menace.

7.1.99